if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
