Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
