My first STD was from a foam party
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
