did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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