i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I party with great urgency now.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
