omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
