Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
