i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
