mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
