Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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