I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
