I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
