it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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