Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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