shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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