i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
