Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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