he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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