Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
