I am full of burrito and curiosity
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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