Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
if i died would you start the facebook group?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
