God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
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Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
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You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud