Dude, just got a bummer.
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
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we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
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She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.