All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
