So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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