I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
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my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize