my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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