Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Randomize
