if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
