I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
