that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
