I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
