since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
The uberlube is also flammable
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
