Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
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You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
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