Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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