Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
