I hate your face
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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