the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
