I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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