Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
