if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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