I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
