You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
just tell him i said nine months
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
