I hate your face
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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