The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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