i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
