I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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