SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
