I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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