i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
