If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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