she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
