giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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