Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
