remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
