Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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