I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
