I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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