I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
