I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
